I'm going to a party tomorrow night... Need help with a plan

[The_Fuzz22]

I won't know anyone there but the host, because I'm cool like that.

Anyway, I've been asking around trying to come up with a response to "So what do you do?" that could literally not be more uninteresting. It's fun to watch people squirm trying to make small talk over your insurmountably dull career.

Suggestions I've had so far include:

"I write jokes for Reader's Digest"
"I come up with the names for paint. Separating orange into peach and pumpkin? That was my idea."
and
"Self-employed cycle lock security consultant." (See how long it takes them to connect the dots to bike thief.)

Anybody else got any ideas?

[Sti_Jo_Lew]

I personally love the third one. You could try "reverse engineer" then explain what it is using a series of acronyms.

[SneakyPie]

You're an analyst and therapist.

Also known as an analrapist.

[Lord_Mountbatten]

"I work for a subdivision of the Thames Water Authority, where I am the Assistant to the Deputy Commissioner of Salinity Measuring. I also make a pretty mean tofu square."

[Someguy42]

You're an analyst and therapist.

Also known as an analrapist.

[Aenir_bEPU]

Say that you work in the mines, and that in your free time you use the things you dig up to craft stuff as a hobby.

[The_Fuzz22]

Another good one I've just received:

Just simply say: "fluffer"

[Lord_Mountbatten]

For good measure add either "deputy" or "assistant" into a title - instantly lowers interest levels.

[The_Fuzz22]

For good measure add either "deputy" or "assistant" into a title - instantly lowers interest levels.

"Assisstant fluffer". I like it.

[XDelphi]

River Widener.
Coral Breeder.
Trader of Angora Goats.

[aflycon]

You're an analyst and therapist.

Also known as an analrapist.

This is a real thing.

Do it.

[Jake55778]

Say you have a "desk job". If anyone inquires further tell them you design desks (and other tables) for a living.

Once people have stopped groaning from the pun you can proceed to bore them with the specifics of how a desk is made.

[ojamamask]

You're an analyst and therapist.

Also known as an analrapist.

This is a real thing.

Do it.

I also back this 100%

[Someguy42]

You're an analyst and therapist.

Also known as an analrapist.

This is a real thing.

Do it.

DO IT!

[The_Fuzz22]

Well it was certainly an interesting weekend, long story.

Managed to use about half of these suggestions with different people, a lot of fun when two different recipients then got into a conversation with me together. Thanks a lot folks.